He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
