So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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