My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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