His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
