oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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