If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
