i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
