Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
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