i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
