she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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