Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
