So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
