Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
