If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
