Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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