My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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