You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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