It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.