i love accidental penises.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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