i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.