Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Someone came in the potted fern
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
