Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
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do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
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Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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