dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
