Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
