I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
