At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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