OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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