So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
