I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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