i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Bring me that man meat
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
