it hurts more in the daytime
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
The uberlube is also flammable
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
