Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
It's never too late to be topless.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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