fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
