I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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