Rock
Scissors
Fuck
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
