apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize