apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
the day after is always just damage control
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
