I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
