I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
