I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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