I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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