omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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