The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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