We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
im having a threesome with these popsicles
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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