Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
