Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
