Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I want to fling myself into the sun
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
