she looked like the before picture.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
