Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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