Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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