peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
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