She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
