Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
