she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
