Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
