Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
