entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
