the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
