I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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